The sticky note will be larger next time

I thought I was doing okay with my mother’s passing. I know she’s in the excellent place. I know she’s in that great cloud of witnesses urging me on. I know that in the scope of eternity, I’ll get to be with her soon. I know these things.

In my mind, it seems like it’s just been a couple of weeks since I’ve seen her and then I think I need to get over for a visit, and then I think, No, that’s not right. Then I move on, return to here and now with a faint thought that I’ll see her tomorrow.

I’ve been doing this for 2 1/2 years. I’ve been in a combination of acceptance and denial, and then I ran out of that comfortable place into the truth. Mom is gone. She’s been gone for 2 1/2 years and she’s not coming back. There aren’t going to be any more hugs or laughs ever again, and that’s the way it is. Period. End of story.

I miss her so much. She was 5’ 5” and larger than life. She was everything. When she died, she took the light and the laughter with her and my heart is shattered.

If I could stay in bed under the covers, I would. It’s difficult to concentrate or remember things. I can’t even crochet and I have crocheted for years.

Well, at least we’re stupid busy at work so I don’t have time to be weepy, or hide under the covers.

Yes, I know I’ll be 60 years old this year. I’m an adult. But, my mom hung the moon. We were very, very close. We were best friends. I don’t care how old you are or how all together you are, it’s very hard to be without your best friend you’ve known your whole life.

I like to think I was trying to take care of myself, but actually I lacked the energy or give a flip to do anything Saturday. The day began with thunderstorms and excellent sleeping weather. Benny knows when I’m down, so he velcroed himself to my side and we slept in. He was quiet so Nicky was quiet. Eventually Loving Husband took them outside for a walk. I unsuccessfully tried to read, and wound up watching a Michelle Pfeiffer movie, binge watch a comedy series on HBO, and napping. I didn’t even bother to get dressed.

Hours of sitting in bed kinks up my back. Same thing for the living room furniture. I was stiff and sore Sunday morning with a new pain shooting down the front of my left leg. With Loving Husband and the dogs sleeping, I took the opportunity to listen to a meditation CD in the front bedroom. I put a neon green sticky note on the door telling Loving Husband to not open the door, I was doing a meditation, and I would be out when I was finished.

Everything was perfect. The laptop played the CD. The volume was perfect. The desk chair was perfect. The comforting aroma of coffee mingled with Sharon’s voice. The temperature was even perfect.

Years ago Sharon led meditation walks with the Holy Spirit. They were phenomenal. Eventually she recorded her walks. I received more inner healing from these walks than I ever did from any therapist. I knew that I could return to that anointed place and my heart would heal. It happened before and it would happen again.

“Breathe,” Sharon said. “ In. Out. Count the breaths. One, two, very gently.”

I closed my eyes, and breathed. In. Out. One, two.

Of course there’s a car alarm going off. Ignore it.. Three. Four. Follow the breath. Up around my knees… They’ll turn the alarm off… six, seven, in, out…. This isn’t how I remembered this. Why am I not relaxing? Twelve. Thirteen. The breath is swirling around my head, behind my eyes… in ….out… my arms are light…. Stop thinking…. I miss Sharon… don’t miss the car alarm….

Sharon’s gentle, calming, even voice leading the way, leading the way I had been many times before, floating up, away to God’s arms, a real place, a place of peace.

Really shouldn’t have spent yesterday sitting…. Dang that hurts!…. in… out… breath…

“Shell? Shell? Shelly?” from the far end of the house, getting closer, looking for me in that small house void of hiding places. First bedroom door opened and closed, and then my door opened.

“Whatcha doing?”

“I was meditating. I left a neon green note on the door.”

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t see it.”

He closed the door. I closed the computer.

No meditation. No mended heart.

What a waste. What a silly notion I had, meditating in the front room with someone else in the house. I teared up. My mom was gone and my heart was broken and my back and leg pain would eventually go into spasms. That’s just the way things go.

No weekend is complete without a trip to the grocery store, which is usually Walmart, which is always a challenge. A benefit of depression was a complete lack of interest in everyone else’s rudeness. A plus!

Abruptly, the back and leg pain vanished. I hadn’t taken any NSAIDs or anti-inflammatories but the pain was all gone. The kinks were gone.

When we go to God asking for help, He helps. He hears our prayers and is with us, no matter where we are. We don’t have to be perfect to go to Him, or all prayed up, or well dressed. We just have to ask. I wanted my heart mended right then, but He took care of my back and leg first. And he quieted my spirit so I could navigate the full contact sport of Walmart shopping without being rude in return.

Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.


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